Being a biblical Christian is extraordinarily difficult. Jesus regularly issued commands to his followers that fly in the face of natural human behavior. Chief among these is the command to love enemies. I’ll be straight with you. I’m not very good at this. When I encounter people who genuinely, tangibly love their enemies, then I know I have met a real follower of Christ. My own attempts at obedience to Jesus’ toughest commandment show me just how proud and hard-hearted I really am. I have fewer fingers to point at other people’s sins.

But I digress.

Hatred is more than a feeling. Hatred is revealed in action, and inaction. It is revealed in things spoken and things left unsaid. Christians should not be granted impunity who claim not to feel hatred for certain groups of people, but then proceed to speak and act in ways that quite naturally result in that group experiencing the same results as emoted hatred. To put it simply, if your behavior is exactly the same as it would be if you admitted feeling hatred, then your behavior is hateful.

As long as I can remember, Christians have put a great deal of energy into the things that Christians are against. Some define themselves almost entirely by what they do *not* do, or what they do *not* believe. Such negative orientation does not accurately reflect the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, whose harshest rhetoric was aimed at exactly this kind of behavior. Most of Jesus’ teaching is positively oriented. “The Kingdom of God is like…” “Love God.” “Love your neighbor.” “Love your enemies.” “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” “Your faith has healed you.” “Go and do likewise.” Jesus was also subversive, undermining systemic oppression and power structures. However, even his subversiveness was counter-intuitive. He won by losing, found life through dieing, and fought hatred with love.

When I see Christians “taking a stand against sin” in ways that can only be experienced as hateful, I must conclude that we have lost our way - especially when we are careful to stand against other people’s sins and not our own.

I would like to think that the behavior I’m talking about is not typical, and that the media is just exploiting a few fringe freaks to besmirch the reputation of all Christians. However my own Facebook feed tells me this is not true. Hating homosexuals, illegal immigrants, liberals, Muslims, and foreigners is almost as prevalent as invitations to play Farmville.

We who claim to be followers of Jesus need to pray for the grace and power to love - God, self, friend, and enemy alike. Jesus specialized in giving sight to the blind. May we who are blinded to our own hatred experience the miracle of sight and the transforming power of sacrificial love.

Navigating the contradictions and conflicting priorities around food consumption remains one of the greatest challenges. There is the issue of nutrition - eating healthy, of economy - eating affordably, of ecology - eating greenly, of justice - eating fairly, of availability - eating accessibly, and of flavor - eating enjoyably. Some of these values are quite compatible with one another, while others are often in direct competition.

For example, I could buy an organic apple from New Zealand. It would probably taste good and be nutritious, but it traveled on oil from the other side of the world, is expensive, and who knows if the farmer was paid a living wage to grow it?

Lately I’ve been wondering how to balance my desire to eat well, with the biblical calling to be in solidarity with the poor. Doubling the grocery bill by shopping for all organic foods might be good for my own body, but it leaves less room for generosity and can insulate me to the reality of those for whom such food is simply not a viable option. On the other hand, I want to be healthy and I want to lend as little support as possible to the toxic food system. It’s easy to talk about fresh, local, organic, healthy eating. But when it’s time to go grocery shopping, food becomes complicated.

This week I divided my grocery shopping between two stores - a health food grocery in South Eugene, and a big box discount grocery in Springfield. The disparity between them is hard to overstate. The well-off folks who shop organically in South Eugene are pretty insulated from the barely-getting-by folks eating in Springfield. I wonder if they realize how much privilege they possess in their food choices, or if they look down their noses at those who lack the same options. I found myself deliberating over each item, weighing the issues, counting the various costs.

At the end of the day, I was delighted to discover that our garden had produced its first zucchini of the summer. I chopped it up and sauteed it with olive oil and garlic. As I shared this delicious treat with my husband, I realized how much I’ve come to appreciate the value of great food. On all measures, the garden-grown zucchini wins - it’s affordable, healthy, ‘green,’ fair, and delicious!  Unfortunately, I can’t keep my family fed with only what grows in my yard.

How do you deal with the complexities of food? Which values are most important to you in choosing what to eat?

1. 84% say that their church’s perspective on women in ministry is almost identical, very similar, or somewhat similar to their own.

2. 83% say that their Senior Pastor is somewhat, highly or completely supportive of women leading in their church

3. 82% say they can tell by their church’s actions that the church values the leadership of women

4. 81% say that their church provides women with the same degree of leadership opportunities as Jesus would.

5. 72% say they possess a lot of spiritual freedom in their life

6. 70% say that the media has little influence on their decision-making

7. 71% say fear is not something they experience ever or often in their life

8. 62% say that ALL leadership roles are open to them in their church.

9. Only 1% say they often struggle with jealousy

10. Among those who feel they are capable of doing more to serve God, and should be doing more, only 4% say that their fear of failure is holding them back from doing more to serve God.

Jim has invited people to respond to these stats and tell their own stories on his blog.

As I see it, there are about three different possibilities here.

One: the results are absolutely correct because the church has only negligible issues with women.

Two: the results are skewed, either by asking the wrong questions, or by a problem with the sampling, etc.

Three: the results are correct because Christian women are happy with the inequality in the church and don’t think it’s a problem.

Or maybe the truth is a complex cocktail of possible factors.

One: the church certainly has more than negligible issues around the topic of women, but they are less blatantly obvious then they used to be. Individuals with positive experiences are unlikely to report on problems that have not personally touched them. More on this below.

Two: The questions in this poll only scratch the surface of a deep and complicated subject matter. Some of the answers are suspect to me, like #6. If a person believes she is not influenced by the media, she is in denial. We are all influenced by the media. Such shuttered perspectives might be in play with some of the other answers as well. I find #8 to be more telling. Over 1/3 of women report that “ALL leadership roles” are not open to them in their churches. From #1 and #4 we can surmise that this inequity is acceptable to most of the women polled, though not all.

Three: The fact that there is a noticeable gap between reported equality in leadership and dissatisfaction with that equality reveals that many church women are happy with inequity in their churches. This is true for many of my Christian friends.  They believe the Bible teaches this inequity and so they embrace it. Since most of them aren’t called to forbidden ministries and aren’t being oppressed by their husbands at home, they are content with the system.

Good News and Bad News

For those women (myself included) who have experienced firsthand the way the Church keeps women in their place, these survey results are initially quite surprising. If I were to tell the stories of friends who have been oppressed within their churches I wouldn’t have time to write anything else. I know women who have been instructed to submit to abusive husbands - even after being hospitalized from a beating, or after the State has visited their home to evaluate the safety of their children. I know mature women dripping with abilities who have been pushed out of leadership in the church. I’ve seen marginally qualified men elevated above exceptionally qualified women on the basis of their sex. Seriously, I could go on all day. Aside from such stark examples, subtle marginalization of women is like the water we swim in.

So why are roughly 80% of the 600+ women polled in this survey so happy? Brilliant pastor and blogger Kathy Escobar suggests that church women have been drinking the proverbial Kool-aid. When you are in a system and you accept what that system tells you, it can blind you to what is really going on beneath the surface. Certainly that is the experience of many whose views have been transformed. There was a time when I believed what my church told me about woman’s roles. I silenced the voices of doubt within myself and tried very hard to become a meek, “submissive” young woman who deferred to the men above me. I believed that my propensity to speak out was a character flaw in opposition to the traits a good woman of God should possess. I drank the Kool-aid. Since discarding that sugary toxin I’ve come to experience incredible freedom while embracing my calling as a leader and a pastor.

On the other hand, I’ve mentioned my friends who would answer with the majority on this survey. Plenty of women really are free to do their thing, and until they personally run into the glass ceiling it’s hard to notice that it’s there. Likewise, women who are happy in their marriages are less likely to question the church’s teaching on marital roles. If things are working for them, then what’s the problem? This might be a version of “drinking the Kool-aid,” but it also shows that the largest issues of equality and justice have gone (at least partly) underground. Until your calling is the one being denied, or your marriage is damaged, it’s difficult to recognize the problem. This isn’t 1955 after all.

On the brighter side, a more hopeful contributing factor may account for *some* of the results of this survey.  Perhaps some positive changes are taking place within the church. Had I taken this poll 10 years ago my responses would have been far more negative than today. Within my denomination I am witnessing a sea change of progress. At our annual meeting I was struck by how many ordained women were present. Vocal advocates for equality are emerging on boards and in pulpits. Gender biased language is being corrected. The positive changes for women in the past 5 years are more pronounced than the previous 50.

This is not to say that the stained glass ceiling has been obliterated or that we have arrived at a state of full equality. It’s still a pretty lopsided equation. But things are changing in visible, measurable ways. We are moving in the right direction. I am full of hope for what the next 10 years will bring - at least in our little corner of the Church.

So are Christian women really that happy? Well yes, some of them are. Does this tell the whole story of women in the church? Not hardly! I trust that Jim will fully explore the topic in his book. (That he is writing it without his intended woman co-author, Pam Hogeweide, is a crying shame. I recommend Pam’s blog for the full story on that disappointment).

So what about you? Do you think all is well? How would you answer these survey questions in your experience?

It wasn’t that she possessed any outstanding natural beauty. She was just one of the “beautiful people.” Her mom picked her up in a brand new Escalade. Her clothing, hair, and make-up all had that certain look.  She wasn’t a snob. In fact, she was friendly and polite to everyone. I was actually startled by her refined manners. It was simply her presence that caused the rest of the girls to feel ugly and inadequate and the boys to start professing their belief in love at first sight.

I’ve become used to the ways of our teenagers, so the stark contrast between them and the new girl unsettled even me. She chatted about her horses, her family’s ranch property (in addition to their city home), the truck her dad is buying for her birthday, and her extensive travel plans for summer vacation. She carries that intangible quality of someone who knows upper class rules, who possesses all the privileges of money and status, and who doesn’t have a clue about the lives of those less fortunate than her.

Our youth possess different skills - like knowing where to get food when there isn’t any at home, or how to keep a sense of humor after a beating. They are rowdy, highly distractible, and sometimes inappropriate.   Only a few of them profess any kind of faith. Josh and I have found that most youth group resources are worthless to us, as they presume a youth group is comprised of well-mannered Christian kids who know how to turn to the book of Luke if you tell them to. So we struggle on our own to figure out how to make some kind of difference in their lives.  We worry about the ones at risk for dropping out of school. Those who dare to dream of college have more obstacles to success than just money.   How will they compete with the ‘beautiful people’ for scholarships or jobs? How will they know how to make it in a world that demands so many intangible qualities and skills that their families have been unable to impart to them? How will they develop the confidence not to shrink into the corner at the sight of privilege?

How will they know that they are beautiful people too?

The Book of Common Prayer is oozing order and discipline.  It assumes that prayer is woven into the Christian’s life with the kind of daily and hourly practice we usually associate with monasticism. I only know a handful of people who pray with this kind of disciplined practice, and I’ve met them all since being in seminary. Daily devotions or “quiet times” have always been encouraged in my tradition, but have gone out of fashion as a reaction to the legalism that often came with that encouragement.  It’s easy to confuse the goal - increasingly intimate relationship with God - with the means - disciplined spiritual practice. When guilt and shame got all wrapped up with the idea of spiritual discipline our natural reaction was to flee, proclaim our freedom, and abandon any structures that felt constraining to us.  Whenever I talk about prayer or quieting oneself in order to hear the whispering voice of God, I can see people’s eyes glaze over with a visceral reaction against “doing devotions” (even when I’ve said nothing about “devotions” or “quiet times”). 

The value of practicing spiritual discipline has all but disappeared in many Christian circles. Any kind of daily prayer or reading of scripture seems almost quaint - well and good for pastor types and old ladies, but too constraining and impractical for everyone else’s busy lives. Occasional prayers on the fly are okay, but say nothing at all of fasting or meditation.

I understand the negative reaction. Even the word “discipline” evokes images of punishment rather than grace.  I was one of those who had to break free of the oppressive rigidity and performance-based understanding that was impressed on me as a youth.  We don’t pray, or read scripture, or meditate, or fast, or worship, so that God will put little gold star stickers on our chart and declare us to be good little Christians. We don’t suffer God’s stern disapproval when we fail the regimen. So now that we’ve broken out of legalism, do we still bother to pray?  Do we ever immerse our minds in scripture? Who even knows how to fast anymore?

Has our escape from legalism opened us up to pursue God with greater freedom and joy? Or has it just let us off the hook of seeking God at all?

Here are some reasons why I think we avoid practicing spiritual disciplines:

• don’t want to be constrained or obligated by anything that feels “legalistic”
• fear of what God might say if we really listened
• fear that God isn’t really there, isn’t really listening, and that we won’t hear anything at all
• desire for instant gratification and lightning-speed transformation
• feels overwhelming - don’t even know how or where to begin
• unwilling to make the sacrifices of time, energy, etc.

I confess that I am writing to myself as much as to anyone else. I don’t like being constrained by some regimen that I know I will only fail at keeping. My life is very busy. Deep down I fear (even against past experience) that if I show up, God might not. And then I fear what God might say. I’m impatient. I don’t want to wait around for the transformation that takes time. When I’ve neglected to engage God for awhile, it can feel overwhelming to start the conversation again. It is so easy to slide back into a performance-based mindset in which I give myself little kudos for my efforts and scolding for my ‘failures.’ Sometimes I avoid prayer because as soon as I quiet the noise in my head and turn to address God, all the anxieties that I’ve been stuffing aside rise to the surface and threaten to overwhelm me.

Here’s the thing though. I need God. I need God’s love, healing, guidance, strength, and creative beauty. I want to forgive people who hurt me. I want to be an agent of grace and wisdom for my kids and others I know. I want to learn how to love some difficult people in my life.  I want to spread justice and ooze kindness. I want to live in peace. For these reasons and more, I really need God.  

The “discipline” part of spiritual discipline means seeking God even when I don’t feel like it. Even when I’m busy or bored. It means pursuing God (as one writer has said) the way a man who’s hair is on fire seeks for water. I’m not trying to appease God’s wrath or assuage my guilt. I just really need God.

Carving out time to seek God is like putting an empty cup on the table. In time, the cup fills with the mingling of our prayers and God’s presence. The cup is opportunity. Create opportunity and the rest will follow. “You will find me when you seek me, if you seek me with all of your heart.”

How do you handle the tension between “discipline” and “legalism”? In what ways do you pursue God? Does your community encourage healthy participation in spiritual practices? I welcome your wisdom here.

Motherhood is a loaded occupation. Moms are set up to feel like they are never getting it right and never quite good enough. We glorify a particular type of mother above all other types of moms. You know who she is. She is the queen of the home, the cooker of meals, the cleaner of bathrooms, the folder of laundry, the shopper of groceries, the wiper of noses, the PTA volunteer, the one responsible for bringing peace, love, order, and joy into the home. Her primary identity is “mother” and this calling is not to be distracted from by pesky careers or interests outside the realm of kids and family.

This Mother’s Day video depicts a stay-at-home mom who talks about how she never really wanted kids. She had a career before, but when the kids started coming along, she knew this was the “highest calling” and she has learned how to give everything she has to her kids as the *one person* responsible for raising them and forming them into good adults. There was a dad in the video, but the mom assumed total responsibility for their three children. She talked about the isolation she felt, especially when the kids were young. She talked about the challenges that she shouldered alone and how difficult that could be at times. She is portrayed heroically. The woman who sacrifices everything for her kids is the best version of a mom. At least, that’s what this video implies.

So here are 6 reasons why this video will not be shown in our church:

1. 1. There are working mothers in our church who are dealing with all the pressures of working and parenting and the guilt that often accompanies that in our culture (as perpetuated by videos like this one). They don’t need to be reminded of some false ideal that they are falling short of.
2. 2. I believe there are many ways to divide up the work of life. Every household needs cleaning, cooking, shopping, earning, maintenance, financial organization, etc. Kids need to be loved, washed, fed, organized, taught, taxi’d and played with. It’s up to each family to figure out how to balance all of these responsibilities fairly and in a way that honors each person. That might look very traditional, or it might not. This video only honors one way - and it’s not clear if that way is fairly divided or honoring to both spouses. It subtly denigrates other options.
3. 3. I do believe that motherhood is a high calling. I also believe fatherhood is a high calling. Fathers are just as important as mothers in the proper care and raising of children. They are equally responsible for growing them into healthy adults. Children need their fathers to be present and emotionally available to them just as much as they need their moms. Motherhood should never be glorified to the exclusion and denigration of fathers.
4. 4. Mother’s Day presentations in church need to celebrate moms who also work outside the home. Since most mothers do work outside the home, the church needs to stop this one-sided vision and start celebrating these moms as well. (Fathers need to be depicted as more than “success objects” but that’s for another post).
5. 5. The mom in this video is incredibly privileged. She has the option of not working, which means her husband is making enough money to support their family of 5 very comfortably. After dropping off her kids at school she goes to the gym. After working out she is seen in a coffee shop with her laptop (a Mac - she’s got good taste!). It’s no sin to be comfortably middle class. But if you’re not, this video is another reminder of the way your life is sub-normal and falling short of the glorified ideal. As long as we assume that all the people in our churches are middle class, they will be.
6. 6. Videos like this one are just one piece of a huge puzzle that keeps women from being empowered to lead in the church. If we really believe women can and should be pastors, then we need to stop confining their identities to a singular parental calling.

On a personal note, I was raised by a single mother who worked full time following my parents’ divorce when I was six. She supported us three kids by working her butt off in jobs that she didn’t always love. She stretched every penny and still managed to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. She made sure we had fun times and good memories. She taught us to live right and love God. She modeled perseverance in the face of trials.

The Church did a very poor job of honoring hard-working single mothers like her, and Mother’s Day Sunday felt like more of a trial than a blessing. I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s. Sadly, in 2010 the Church is doing basically the same thing. It’s high time the Church learned how to celebrate more than one kind of mom, and more than kind of motherhood.

With the rest of life, the facts are easier to avoid – at least initially.  We can overspend our physical and emotional resources for quite awhile. We either ignore or learn to live with the deficit, not considering the hefty fee we will pay sooner or later. It might come in the form of poor health or broken relationships or depression. But it certainly will come if we persist in expending ourselves at an unsustainable level.

In case you are wondering, I’m preaching mainly to myself with this little lecture. My life in recent months – probably years if I choose to be honest – has been lived at an unsustainable level of expenditure. Between my part-time job, church planting, graduate school, marriage, and parenting both a teenager and a toddler, not to mention various other commitments, I’ve started to run out of gas. I used to think there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do well if I just put my mind to it.  Lately I feel like there is nothing I can do well, as long as I’m trying to do it all at once. My internal emotional banker is calling in the overdraft fees and demanding reconciliation.

I’m listening to her.

In 2009 my resolutions were almost ridiculous in their simplicity, and for the most part I was able to stick with them year-round.  I learned that even little things are hard to change, but that change is possible when the expectations are achievable, named, and written down.

In 2010 I have one major theme – Sustainability.  My resolutions (only 3) are written to serve this one theme. They are achievable, and they will set me in the right direction.

I am convinced that I’m not the only one functioning on the brink.  Our modern lives establish un-sustainability as the default setting at every level – personally, monetarily, ecologically, individually, nationally, and globally.  Too many of us are walking around tired, haggard, demoralized by undone responsibilities and a sense of always being a beat behind the idealized drum.  We’re overwhelmed. When the feeling gets too heavy, we medicate ourselves with one of the many tonics our culture offers us in exchange for our health and well-being. The distraction helps for awhile, but fails to replenish our souls adequately for the journey.

Sustainability means that I will not overextend my personal resources. It means that I will replenish at least as much as I expend of my physical and emotional energy.   It might mean choosing to fail at some things in order to succeed at others. It might mean disappointing others’ expectations. It means that I will set a pace of life that I can maintain.

What about you? Do you struggle with sustainability like I do? Or have you learned how to live a balanced, replenished life? What helps you on the quest for sustainability? 

We live in a culture that is all about instant gratification. If we want something – almost anything – we can just go get it right now, if we have enough money or credit to buy it.  Life has not always been this way.

Consider food. Not so long ago people had no access to fresh fruit or vegetables in winter. Salad was a thing of summertime, as were berries and melons. Winter food was preserved from summer’s bounty, and by the time the first crops ripened in the late Spring, people had been anticipating their deliciousness for months. Anticipation was built into our food supply.  Now we don’t even consider it odd that we can eat mangos in Oregon in December.

The same thing has happened with clothing, entertainment, and products of all kinds – even human relationships. There are just a few rituals remaining in our culture that still give us opportunity for the gift of anticipation.  

I heard a man describe how he decided to surprise his wife with a dream vacation. He was looking at destination guides, shopping for hotels, and planning their outings, with the intention of basically kidnapping her to board a plane one morning.  But as he was planning he realized that half of the fun was in the anticipation. So he surprised her in advance and allowed her the added joy of looking forward to their special trip.

Some of the best moments are the ones just before.  Just before the roller coaster crests the peak of the track. Just before unwrapping the present. Just before the kiss. Just before biting into a piece of Sweet Life Raspberry Rhapsody chocolate cake. The “just before” moments make what follows even sweeter.

Advent is the “just before” season leading into Christmas. But sometimes we allow the trappings of the season to become a burden of busyness. We can become so focused on seasonal chores that little space is left for anticipation. Suddenly Christmas is upon us and before we can settle in to enjoy it, Christmas has passed us by.

In this Advent season, give yourself the gift of anticipation. Let the Christmas lights and holiday jingles and even the extra chores prompt hope and expectation within you. Relish this ‘just before’ moment.

Only 21 more days!

This photo journal and Letter to Young American Women  by Gail Collins provides a vivid reminder of how far women have come in a relatively short period of time. I had forgotten that such a thing as a girdle ever existed. The world in which my mother came of age was an entirely different place for women than the world I know. My daughters are experiencing yet a different world even from mine.

I’ve met a few condescending salesmen who didn’t respect my ability to make a major purchase without the consent of a man, but I’ve just taken my money elsewhere. I have gotten pregnant when I didn’t intend to, but I’ve never experienced the powerlessness of birthing baby after baby, without resources to feed and care for them and no means of preventing yet another pregnancy. I’ve experienced sexual harassment in the workplace, but I was empowered to put a quick stop to it without fear of recrimination. No one has ever told me that I can’t vote, or hold public office, or own a business, or play sports, or wear pants.  I’ve been extended credit. I have received an education. I’ve participated as an equal contributor with men in business. I’ve been ordained. I’ve never even owned a girdle.

If I had been born just a few decades sooner, or in some other spot on the globe, my story would be completely different. I am grateful even as I ache for those who do not know this kind of freedom.

This is not to say that all is right and perfect around me. I still see women who regard their sexuality as their best asset and greatest source of power. I still see domestic violence. I still see women submitting to objectification and sex-role prescription. I still see women settling for less than equal partnerships in their relationships with men. I won’t even get started on the media’s role in perpetuating this. Blatant sexism is no longer socially acceptable, but inequity has mutated itself for survival in this evolving cultural climate.

There is at least one place where the old-fashioned kind of sexism still thrives - the Church. It’s true that we have seen progress even here. But the Church lags shamefully behind the secular world in its acceptance of women as equals with men. Too often we still interpret ‘submission’ as a one-sided divine decree intended to keep women in subordination to men. Too often we believe that the patriarchal cultures from which our scriptures emerged should determine roles for women and men in every culture. We subvert the scriptures proclaiming freedom in favor of the scriptures that seem to endorse female subjection. We cling to our male-dominated hierarchies.

Though I am an ordained minister who has experienced a great deal of support and encouragement from men, I still experience diminishing attitudes and language that go hand in glove with sexist prescription even when unintended. In my world, pastors are still referred to with masculine pronouns. “Pastors and their wives” is a term I loathe because it regards women like me as anomalies, and men like my husband as invisible.  We still have a long way to go.

Today I look back with joy and gratitude at how far women have come. I also look around at what discrimination remains, and I look forward hopeful optimism to a time when today’s inequities will seem as archaic as grandmother’s girdle.

There are people who experience open discrimination in stores, restaurants, and places of employment. Comedians joke about them. Children cruelly tease and reject them. They are regarded by many as dumber, dirtier, and lazier than other people. Social biases work against them in subtle and overt behaviors. All of these actions and attitudes – behavior we have ceased to accept when it comes to race and gender – are actually embraced and even encouraged against these people.

Who are they?  Obese people.

My inspiration for today’s post comes from PETA’s newest campaign.  The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have once again sacrificed the ethical treatment of people in their attempt to communicate their message.  Their new billboard promoting vegetarianism features the backside of a large woman in a two-piece bathing suit with the words, “Save the Whales.”

I’ve had conversations over the years with friends who admit their bias against overweight people. I’ve also had conversations with my overweight friends who have graciously shared their experiences. The lack of compassion on one side, and the pain it incurs on the other is difficult to capture in a few words. But I will try.

Compassion begins when we are willing to enter into another’s experience. So imagine the humiliation of going to a restaurant with friends and being unable to fit in the booth where you are seated. Imagine being cruelly taunted in grade school. Imagine being scorned by the opposite sex because of your weight. Imagine being passed over in job interviews for less-qualified, thinner people. Imagine working hard for months with disciplined dieting and strenuous exercise and no one even noticing that you’ve lost weight. Imagine shopping for clothes when most stores don’t carry your size. Think of the anxiety when going to the pool or the beach. Imagine the impact of this social shame on your self-esteem and identity as a person. You may have many wonderful qualities – intelligent, funny, kind, wise, educated, experienced, compassionate – and be shunned solely on your appearance.

A woman I’ll call Kathy confessed to me that she looked down on fat people. She just knew they had to be lazy and undisciplined. She imagined them sitting at home surrounded by empty potato chip bags and ice cream cartons. If they would only eat right and exercise, they wouldn’t be fat. It had always worked for her, so they must lack her virtue of self-discipline. She felt justified in her judgment.

Kathy is generally a nice person with many friends who is known for her generosity.  But she has her faults too. Kathy is a compulsive talker who interrupts and overpowers conversations with her many words. She developed this habit as a child when she had to compete with her siblings for attention. Her family spent their evenings in noisy, animated, debates. She was in her 20’s before she realized that people don’t like being verbally machine-gunned over coffee. To this day, she must concentrate on not interrupting others and struggles to leave space in conversation for others to fill. 

When Kathy confessed her prejudice against overweight people I reminded her of her own struggles and asked her some questions.  What if your family had been polite communicators, but were all obese?  What if you were overweight by the time you started Kindergarten? What if your parents were really loving, but didn’t have the resources to provide healthy food?  What if you didn’t understand this until you were already formed – chemically and socially – to be obese?  What if you had spent your adult life struggling against your own body, dieting, exercising, fighting against hunger and a culture that simultaneously hates you for being fat and dangles fattening food in your face all day long?  And then what if people – who happen to be thin by no virtues of their own – scorned you because of your appearance?  What if it were socially acceptable to put up a billboard calling you a whale? Thankfully, Kathy got it.

Our teenagers like to play a game called “Would You Rather,” in which they ask each other which one of two undesirable options they would prefer. Like, “Would you rather be covered in untreatable acne or eaten alive by alligators?”  For those out there who think it’s a fun joke to be cruel to overweight people, I’ve got a ‘would you rather’ question for you.  Would you rather be a mean, arrogant person and look like a swimsuit model, or be a kind, compassionate person and be obese?  Maybe pure luck has granted you a genetic and familial circumstance that renders you thin. But you still get to choose your character.

I can already hear the “buts” coming, saying how obesity has surpassed smoking as our worst public health problem. How about 1/3 of Americans are obese and about ½ are overweight. How obesity is linked to cancer, diabetes, depression, heart disease, life expectancy, and costs the system millions of dollars in healthcare every year. How 80% of obese kids will be obese adults. How we have an obesity pandemic on our hands that must be addressed. How we shouldn’t coddle people but demonstrate “tough love,” as the spokesperson for PETA claimed. Overweight people do not need to be reminded of any of these things – especially through the mouths of people sitting in judgment.  We all have our struggles. We are just lucky if our struggles are out of sight and shielded from public ridicule.

People who genuinely care about systemic solutions demonstrate individual compassion. Sanctioned discrimination and social cruelty will not solve the systemic problem of obesity in our culture. PETA once again illustrates my point.  They aren’t concerned with the problem of obesity.  They just used a fat joke to draw attention to another cause. They willingly dehumanize people while promoting humane treatment of animals, with shameless irony.  Too many of us laugh along with the joke.

Do you?