The Year I Changed My Name

Posted on Monday, July 20, 2009 in Stories, Transformation | 3 Comments

It was 1984 and I was in the 5th grade at Ellis Parker Elementary School. I was still taller than all the other kids in my class, including the boys, and I was beginning to suffer the awkwardness of puberty.  We lived in South Eugene, which was the part of town inhabited by children of doctors and university professors. My mom was a hard-working single mother supporting three kids on her own. We got by on the cheap, thanks to Rice-a-Roni, K-mark, and lots of prayer.  My brothers were old enough to get part-time jobs to pay for some little extras. But I felt painfully awkward in my small wardrobe of hand-me-down clothes and blue light specials while going to school with kids sporting Esprit Sweaters, Guess Jeans and real Keds.

 

A new girl came to our school that Fall, who I will call Carol.  We hit it off and immediately became the closest of friends. Our teacher allowed the class to place our desks any which way we wanted in the room. Carol and I placed ours together, apart from other clusters of friends. We became an inseparable duo.   I didn’t realize that I was making a terrible mistake by isolating myself with Carol. She was easy to be around. I thought she valued our friendship as much as I did.  So I was blindsided the day that she ditched me.

 

After being out sick, I returned to school to find my desk sitting all by itself.  Carol’s desk was now cozied up to Hannah’s. As I tried to figure out what had happened, Hannah taunted me, “Carol is MY friend now, not yours.” They both smirked and laughed at my expression of shock. I had been discarded, and I had no one to fall back on.  I went through that day in a state of numb isolation. I was alone at the lunch table. Alone during recess. Alone in music class. No one reached out to me, and I was too mortified to talk to anyone else.  I went home and bawled into my pillow, wishing desperately that I could run away and never go back to school.

 

My situation didn’t improve much over time.  Carol couldn’t just move on to her new friend. She made it her daily pleasure to torment me any way she could. I went around with a feeling of dread in my stomach, anticipating the next taunt. One day Carol went to snap my bra and realized I wasn’t wearing one. I tried to explain that it was in the laundry, and she found it hilarious that I only owned one, as if even one was needed. Within an hour, all the girls in our class knew I owned only one bra, and that I wasn’t wearing it that day. I was mortified. Carol was responsible for the only time I was ever sent to the Principal’s office. She broke a typewriter in the resource room and managed to frame me for it.

 

Halfway through the school year my mother and her boyfriend announced their engagement and intent to move to his home in the country town of Crow. I was ecstatic! My new step-dad owned horses and cows. Best of all, I would be leaving the daily horror of 5th grade to start over fresh at a new school. I made an inner vow that I would not be the class reject anymore. So began my personal make-over.

 

I started by changing my name. I wanted a nick-name – something cute and catchy. Something that sounded popular. I ended up choosing Kelli. It started with a “K,” like my real name, but it was shorter and ended with an adorable “i” that I could dot with a little heart if I wanted to. My family was rather amused by this, but I didn’t care. I was giving myself a new identity and a new name was essential to my transformation.

 

I thought naively that kids in the country would listen to country music, so I vowed to like it too.  After weeks of listening to the country station, trying to learn the names of artists and their songs, I was greatly relieved when my older step-sister informed me that the country kids listened to Madonna and Wham! just like the city kids. I obsessed about the prospect of my new school and how I would make my entrance. I vowed to hold my head up, to be nice to everyone, and not to let myself get pushed around.  It worked.

 

In the remaining weeks of 5th grade, I managed to become one of the most popular kids in my new class. It didn’t matter that I wore imitation Keds – so did they. I had my first boyfriend. I went to birthday parties. I initiated games on the playground. When a boy tried to tease me about my height by asking me how many grades I had flunked, I didn’t hang my head and mumble. Instead I had a snappy come back. “How many grades have *you* flunked? Or will this one be your first?”  Oh yeah – I was hot stuff!

 

When 6th grade started, I ran for class President and won. I was a star on the basketball team and got straight A’s. Life was good. Kelli Nielsen was a really cool girl with tons of friends and no enemies. Karlene – the loser of Parker Elementary – was ancient history. I felt good about myself. I was happy and confident. My troubles seemed to be over.

 

And then the bombshell dropped.

 

My parents could no longer afford to live in the country. My step-dad’s business was going under, and my mom’s commute into town was expensive and taxing. They had no choice but to sell the Crow property and move back to our old house. I would return to the old neighborhood and go back to school with the old crowd including Carol and Hannah. Kelli would be Karlene again. My triumph had lasted less than a year.

 

Back in town, the social drama had moved into middle school. I was scared and awkward as the new-old kid, showing up in the middle of Spring term. My off-brand clothes stood out more than ever. I was quickly marked as a bad loser. No one wanted to hang out with Karlene, lest their reputation be smudged by association.  One girl actually told me that she would be my friend outside of school as long I didn’t tell anyone about it. I sat alone in the lunch room. I walked alone in the halls. I endured taunts and threats by bullies.

 

But this time something was different. No matter what everyone thought of me or how I was treated, inside I knew that I was okay. Being Kelli had proven that to me. No amount of mean girl taunting could break me. I learned how to get by alone, even though it was hard. Eventually I started making friends who didn’t mind being seen with me at school.  By the time I reached high school, the trauma of being the class loser was behind me.

 

I think I’m a better person for having gone through all that. It certainly helped solidify my faith. I prayed a lot when I had no one else to talk to, and I believed that I wasn’t ever completely alone because of Jesus. That faith helped give me the inner strength I needed to face school every day. It gave me the dignity to turn down bad friends, even when there were no good alternatives. Changing my name had given me a sense of control over my identity. When I lost that control, I found my identity in a deeper place. A rose by any other name is still the rose God made it to be. I made peace with being Karlene even as I learned to let go of Kelli. When it came right down to it, they were both me all along.

 

 

 

What Others Have Said...

  1. Karlene 09/4/09 4:54 PM |

    I always thought people googling their names was lame, but I sure am glad I decided to today! I’m so glad I came across your website and I hope you dont find it starnge of me. Your wirtings are very thoughtful and interesting, especially this one.

    I’m a senior thinking about colleges now,christian colleges to be exact. and I had thought long and hard about changing my name next year in the same way you did- to something close but different. I decided on Karly. I find being a young christian in today’s world very difficult, especailly at a public school.Though I’ve never been teased and rejected to the same degree as you were at a young age, I still deal with my fair share of attacks.

    I’ve been tagged as the uptight,undatable,no fun good girl and it bothers me sometimes! I know I’m judged, made fun of, and called crazy for being a Christian at my school, and I figured going to a new school next fall would give me the oppertunity to forget about all those people, and with a new name, start new realtionships with people who love and accept me. However, after reading what you had to say, I realize that I’ve been so caught up in thinking of how great it would be to change my name that I forgot to consider how bad it would actually be.

    You’re absolutely right when you say faith gives one the inner strength to face school every day.For me to forget about that and how my highschool years have shaped who I am as a christain would be wrong.Karlene is not just my name, it is who I am. Even if I change it, I will always be Karlene, especially in God’s eyes. To him I am Karlne, the girl who struggled everyday in school as a Christian, the girl who was blessed with parents whom he knew would give me the name Karlene. College Karlene will still be Highschool Karlene, only with more love, a stronger faith, and a different attitude.

    Thanks very much for helping me realize all this,it seems a little crazy/silly now to think I could really change who I was with just a name! oh and I’m sorry if at any point I digressed and made no sense.From one Karlene to another, God Bless!

  2. Karlene 09/9/09 11:35 AM |

    Karlene~
    Thank you for sharing so much about your journey! I’m glad that this story was encouraging to you. It’s so rare to meet another Karlene, and esp. with the same spelling. It sounds like you know who you are and have stood your ground even when it cost you socially in high school. Good for you! I hope and pray that your senior year brings you more good times and better memories than previous years. Wherever you go to college - Christian or otherwise - it will be a new beginning and a new adventure. God bless you as you step into the woman you are created to be!

    P.S. Did you know that the name Karlene means “godly woman?”

  3. Brad 09/11/09 4:33 PM |

    As someone who has known as both Kelli and as Karlene, all I can say is, “You came out okay!!!”

    Good stuff.

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