Public Parenting

Posted on Friday, May 29, 2009 in Family, Parenting | No Comments

 

I recently listened to a podcast on the subject of public parenting. It discussed what to do when you see a parent losing it with a kid in a public space, and it reminded of something I saw many years ago that still sticks in my head as some of the worse parenting I’ve ever witnessed.

 

When my daughter was about 2 ½ I took her to the Seattle Zoo. We rounded a corner and came across a woman and her little son, who I guessed to be about 4 years of age. The boy had wet his pants and the mother was standing off from him about 20 feet or so, pacing and shouting a tirade of shaming putdowns at him. The boy was standing all alone, his chin buried in his chest, silent tears coming down his cheeks, while his mother ranted and raved at the top of her voice. “You are so STUPID! What’s the matter with you? Why do I have to put up with you? You are worthless!” and so on.  There were a couple of older siblings who were lingering as far as away as they dared, trying to look as though they were unconnected to the scene. It makes me sick to recount this incident.  I had no idea what to do. I was a young mom. This was before I had a cell phone. I wanted to scoop up the little boy and comfort him. I wanted to yell at the mother to shut up. I thought of calling the police, but there was no phone nearby.  I feared that if I intervened in some way that the mother might take it out on the child even more after I was gone. I stood nearby glaring daggers at the mother, but she paid no attention to me, nor to any of the other people who gaped at her and passed by.  Eventually she stopped and stormed off, the children reluctantly following her.

 

The scene haunted me for some time, and recalling it now distresses me because I did nothing. In that moment I felt completely powerless.  If the mother had been physically beating the child with the force of her verbal beating, I wouldn’t have hesitated to jump in. But the damage I witnessed was no less than a physical beating, and I and several other concerned adults did absolutely nothing for that poor child.

 

I’m a little older now, more confident and assertive than I was at that time. I am sure that if I encountered this same scene today that I would step in and not step out until I was sure that the child was safe. 

 

But what should we do in less extreme situations?  The parent on the verge of losing his or her cool with tired, cranky kids who don’t want to put their coats on to leave the store. The kids who have lost their ability to cope with a long wait in a boring waiting room. The parent trying to check out a cart full of groceries with a crying toddler who is trying to climb out of the cart. Parenting in public can be stressful sometimes.  Even the best parents can lose their cool when the perfect storm of frustration rains down on them.

 

Once when my daughter was just shy of 4 years old, in the midst of some hard family times, I decided we needed a fun break and took her to a kids’ movie at the mall.  After the show we walked the length of the mall to look at some new school shoes. She needed some neutral, practical shoes that would go with everything and wear well at pre-school. She wanted some glittery heels that would go with absolutely nothing, fall apart after two days on the playground, and probably hurt her feet besides.  When she realized that I wouldn’t change my mind she had a five star tantrum. She threw herself on the ground, kicked, screamed, cried, begged, and generally acted as though I was beating her.  I told her we were leaving without any shoes because of her tantrum. She refused and the fit escalated. I was startled at her uncharacteristic behavior, embarrassed by all the stares, and unsure of the best course of action. I started walking, thinking she would follow. She followed me just into the main aisle, then threw herself down to scream for an even larger audience. I picked her up and put her on my hip as best I could with her thrashing around and carried her out of the store, down the entire length of the mall, and back to the car. She stopped fighting me, but she didn’t stop loudly wailing until we got to the car. It was awful. I got a lot of curious stares, and a few that were sympathetic.

 

I think all parents have their stories of challenging parenting situations in public. How do we support families when they’re having these rough moments? We risk our offers to help being viewed with suspicion in our overly-paranoid culture.  We risk offending parents who are already stressed. But aren’t there times when a stressed out parent might appreciate a little encouragement, and even a little humbly-offered assistance in a tight spot? How do we make it easier to be parents in public, and how do we create a more kid and family-friendly society?

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